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Archive for August, 2008

10 Things About Anal Sex

1: Safety Cums First
Hopefully you already trust the one your with but it’s wise to: Use a condom whenever you engage in anal sex. You should also never go from anus to mouth, or anus to vagina, without washing carefully (and changing condoms) in between.

2: Don’t skimp on the lube.
The anus has no natural lubrication, so you’ll need to use plenty of lubricant. Avoid lubricants that contain analgestitics, pain is your friend here and numbing the area can be dangerous.

3: Communication Is Key
Encourage your partner to take deep breaths and communicate his or her feelings aloud because this is a two way street.

4: Start Small
You might want to try incorporating anal toy play into your love life before jumping to anal intercourse. Of course the best sex toy of all is your fingers!

5: If It Hurts Stop
Pain is the bodies way of telling us that something is not right and it’s something we should all listen to. If you are the one receiving anal stimulation make sure you tell your partner if it hurts. Take a break and maybe try again.

6: Proceed With Caution
Once you are ready to try anal sex, slow things down and take it easy. This is not a race and the experience will be much more enjoyable if you do.

7: Setting The Pace
Always allow the partner who is receiving the anal to set the depth and pace. See 5

8: Positions, Camera, Action
According to Clitical members the favorite position for anal sex is doggie style.

9: Stimulating Times
Don’t forget to stimulate other areas of the body while participating in anal sex. A little clitoral stimulation can go a long way to making the experience more satisfying for both partners.

10: It’s okay to stop
If things don’t feel right it’s okay to stop, take a break and start again. This is supposed to be fun after all!

Listed at http://www.clitical.com

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Funny

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Rules Women Need To Learn

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don’t remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We’ve been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what they’re saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it’s like camping.

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Beaten Guy

These women are tough.

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Say What You Feel

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40 Mistakes Men Make During Sex

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to
extinguish
the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you
rake
repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they
get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina.  So
start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants.  If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask
her
to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along

side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they

plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep

going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant
present,
not a kid’s toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still
believe
that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there
than
you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney.  This is okay in
principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt – so don’t get carried
away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of
her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her
and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of
buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst.  Lose the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can
do
is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an
assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology.  Build up slowly,
with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach,
the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites
of
her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina.
At
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her
interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don’t know, don’t ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth
down
there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about
three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white.  Not everybody likes
it.
When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
what’s
necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don’t grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over
them.
In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does
all
the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions.
If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being
drunk
is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the
words”__to
show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring
honey
on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all
handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a
Romanian
gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they
have
a prostate. Women don’t.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the
neck,
if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and
jaunty
scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big
turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900line.
If
she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and
she
might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a
soup kitchen.

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31 Things You Learn From Watching Porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent. No matter their age.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. People in the 70’s couldn’t fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.

14. Men always groan ‘OH YEAH’ when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they ‘high five’ each other. (and the girl isn’t disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don’t exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won’t bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend’s mouth.

19. There’s a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she’ll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking both of you.

24. Women never have headaches.

25. When a woman is sucking a man’s cock, it’s important for him to remind her to ‘suck it’

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman’s butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s pants and find a cock there.

29. Men don’t have to beg.

30. When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman’s head and the other proudly on his hip.

31. Pigtails = handlebars

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