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Archive for March, 2009

BDSM is a wonderful lifestyle. Yet, it is just that, a lifestyle. For most of us, it is not life. We are still confronted with the same issues that everyone else is.

I wrote about this very subject in my book, An Owned Life. Too many people believe that BDSM is a way for them to escape their problems. Sadly, many get involved only to find out this is not the truth. One’s problems will follow regardless of what style of life is chosen.

Many suffer from poor interpersonal skills. This is something that can be overcome by working on one’s interactions with others. However, whether one is in a traditional relationship or a BDSM one, the result will still be the same. Someone who suffers from poor interpersonal skills will have difficulty with relationships.

Those who are involved with BDSM chose this way of life for what it adds to their life. Life still happens on a daily basis. We have our share of relationship issues. There are also financial situations which are not enviable. Sickness and death are still part of the program. Anything that the average person experiences, so do we.

The final point that I want to make is that esteem issues are not solved simply by adopting a BDSM way of life. Many new people tend to believe that being owned by another will settle this issue. Nothing can be further from the truth. At the same time, many seem that dominating another will make them “a man”. This is equally untrue. It takes a healthy esteem to be able to properly dominate or submit to another. Those who lack it will find their inferiority instilled upon the relationship. This is something that can be overcome if those involved are willing to work on it. However, BDSM will not make up for the lack of esteem.

Do not look to BDSM as the answer to all your problems. Many of us found it to be the thing that was missing in our lives. Nevertheless, this is a choice of how we decided we want to live. It does not absolve us of the other responsibilities of life.

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“It is possible to establish a series of activities that all serve to humiliate a sub. As we have shown, everything in this genre is done with the intention of showing the inequality of the relationship while often going against the commonly acceptable ideals of society. A Dom can implement rituals or behaviors into the daily activity of a sub to further impress these points.

The method which a Dom and sub walk in public can be altered to fit this end. In most relationships, people walk side-by-side when going down the street or through a store. This can be amended so that your sub walks behind you. This is more like the Eastern tradition where servants walked behind their rulers. Again, it shows the inequality of the relationship.

I like to have a sub serve my every whim. In addition to preparing the meals, a sub can be instructed to refill your drink, get your shoes, or change the television channel. Being dictated
at is not something that our culture promotes. We are taught self reliance and to take care of ourselves. Having a sub do the most menial of tasks which are easily handled can be humiliating. I found the more absurd the activity, the more the impact was.

You can also take this to another level by having him or her worship certain body parts. It is not uncommon to have a sub kiss your feet in an effort to show his/her appreciation and obedience. The licking of the anus is another activity which shows a sub’s position. Many times, the sub will take a subservient posture when receiving the order and following through. Anytime one is physically lower than another, the concept is enhanced.”

Copied from Erotic Humiliation, pg. 45

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Bent forward strappado
Image via Wikipedia

There are many parts of this life I enjoy, some more than others, and one of those is bondage. To bind a sub or slave in a way that leaves her helpless to resist anything you desire is a wonderful feeling for both, and it is something that even those in a traditional’ vanilla’ lifestyle are finding more and more exciting, although I would hazard a guess and say they do not go to the extremes that those of us in this life tend to at times.

There is the ‘soft’ binding, used for adding a certain something to a scene or play and then there is the extreme, and indeed anywhere in between.
I would advise to take care when going to some of the extremes, it is not something everyone can deal with and in my experience, the more elaborate the bonds the harder it is to remove them in a hurry if needs dictate.

Another thing to remember is the position you tie your sub or slave in is basically how they will stay until you untie them and reposition them, too elaborate and the mood for playing can quickly diminish, just something to remember, sometimes simple is the best way to go.

No matter what stage of BDSM and bondage you find yourself practicing, the key is to enjoy and have fun, remember that to start of simple is not something to be ashamed of, I to this day still cannot tie a slip knot or a reef knot but still my slaves and I have many hours of fun.

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A BDSM-style collar that buckles in the back.
Image via Wikipedia

In the BDSM lifestyle many people like to either give or receive a sign of ownership, for many subs/slaves it is the acknowledgement of belonging to a certain person, it tells others that they are spoken for and any interaction is to be at the agreement of their owner. In many M/s or D/s relationships a collar is given in much the same way as a ring is given in a vanilla relationship.

Some Doms or Masters only use a collar during a scene whilst others require their property to wear a collar 24/7 while having a different one for play time. The term collar is sometimes misleading, it is usually a collar that is worn around the neck, however it can also be a bracelet or a anklet, or a simple chain that is worn, what is important to many is that it is a sign for them that they are owned, but as so many work outside of the home, wearing a dog collar with slave or slut printed on it if you are a lawyer or a checkout assistant can cause some strange looks and conversations.

The collar is another way that many engage in humiliation with their sub or slave, leading them around the street on a lead is bound to lower their self esteem.

No matter what your opinion is on collars it is just another way that each can adapt the BDSM life to their needs, some subs or slaves feel they need to be collared and some know who they serve without the need for a collar, the same is true for Doms or Masters, some like to give them and some do not, its up to the individual as so much of this life is

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There are times that a Dom or Master who owns more than one sub/slave will expect them to play together to please Him, this is something that many new to this life cannot understand, they think that as they serve their Master then that is the only one they will have sex or sexual contact with, this is something they can be sadly mistaken about.

The wishes of the Dom or Master are what matter, and the desire for others to share in their property is something many find erotic, they like to allow others to use the pussy they own, to make their sub/slave suck anothers cock or pussy at their direction, this is a process of submission that many shy away from but I always ask why, as their bodies are not theirs, they belong to me and it is mine to use or share as I wish.
I have also found that getting one sub/slave to administer punishment on another * under my direction and usually in the form of a paddling* is very demeaning for the receiver,they have submitted to me yet I am allowing another to give them something they think I should be the one to administer, it also helps them to realise that I am the one who determines what is going to happen in the relationship,

Having others use your property is a humiliating process for many but as long as you are there and aware of what is going on it is also a wonderful addition to the scene.

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I have during the course of my writing mentioned the extreme side of BDSM, and have shown you pictures of cbt * cock and ball torture*, this is something those into extreme femdom are likely to use. On the other side of the scale is extreme pussy torture, and this is something that a minority of those who practice BDSM like, however I must point out it is not one of the more common aspects of BDSM, and the sub or slave really needs to be what we term a pain slut, as some of the things are really extreme.

In extreme pussy torture it is not uncommon to pierce the clit or labia, and padlocks and chains are used to decorate it, in some cases corset piercing is also used, it must be said though that this is not a wide spread practice and the utmost care was taken to ensure that the sub/slave was not hurt during this process * hurt being the wrong word, but I am sure you know what I am saying *

I know very few people who will actually practice this but for those who do they find it very erotic, and looking at the pictures I can understand why If this is something you like then the BDSM lifestyle is the only place I know of where you can fulfil your fantasies, and have fun doing so.

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How many times have you read on here that BDSM is not a one size fits all ? That each person can tailor their lives to suit them with no recriminations and ridicule, and that no matter what your particular fetish or kink is that there is bound to be some more who like exactly the same as you.
With BDSM it is up to you as an individual to make it your own, and some people like soft core and some the more extreme, but that is what is so great about this life, there are no rights or wrongs, just differences * I am not including abuse in this as that is wrong no matter what style of life you lead *
A Dom or Master who likes spanking, this is not uncommon, how soft or extreme they like it is again not uncommon, there are many who think that a spanking is enough for them while there are those who like the whips and floggers, some like to tie a sub or slaves hands, others their whole body, again this is something for the individuals.
No matter how soft or extreme you want this life, it is possible, and as long as you are having fun there is no reason not to explore that side of yourself, as long as your partner * sub or slave * is willing as well

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