Posts Tagged ‘humor’

As BDSM is becoming more and more noticed in the ‘vanilla’ world you will find more and more cartoons depicting this way of life, now I do not say they are accurate in all they show but some of them are really funny, and they are using more and more of the more well known cartoons.

I have compiled a few for your enjoyment, I hope you like then as much as I did

A Helping Hand From Jerry

A Helping Hand From Jerry

cartoon femdom

cartoon femdom

zena is having fun

zena is having fun


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Tax Amendments

The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts! HOWEVER, effective July 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

* 10 – 12″ Luxury Tax $300.00
* 8 – 10″ Pole Tax $250.00
* 5 – 8″ Privilege Tax $150.00
* 3 – 5 “Nuisance Tax $30.00
* Males exceeding 12″ must file capital gains.
* Anyone under 3″ is eligible for a tax refund.

Please do not ask for an extension!!!!

Thanks to http://www.kinkilink.com for this great look at taxation 1

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vag3A Father answers all questions, but is his answer one you want to hear ? The question is ,,, what is a vagina

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more great jokes and pictures at http://www.adultworldlyideas.blogspot.com/

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my Lesson In Chalk

::she sighs deeply grumbling under her breath something about
as she begins to mark on the blackboard with her chalk::

i will not grope Master in public

i will not splash chocolate puddin’ on Master

i will not climb onto Master’s lap while i am soaking wet

i will not hold up the line in the grocery store while explaining why i wear a bracelet that says slave

i will not plan when to paint my toenails a different color while receiving a spanking

i will not hide Master’s crop

i will not call out our safe word when Master is driving too fast

i can not ground Master

i will resist my urge to duct tape newbies that want punishment

i will not giggle when Master gives His ‘serious’ look

i will not send the newbies out to collect trolls for the weekly auction

i will not wear granny panties tho they are much more comfy

i will not roll my eyes behind Master’s back

i will not eat all of Master’s chocolate and strawberries

i will not paint the bondage table pink

i will not suggest punishments for others

i will not ping m & m’s at Master then look around all innocent and chit

i will not put on a extra big tee-shirt and sweats when Master is expecting company

i will not pull all the feathers out of Master’s tickler

i will not poke holes in Master’s inflatable toys

i will not hide the batteries for Master’s violet wand

i will not paint pretty flowers on Master’s whip and flogger handles

i will not give the kids Master’s bondage ropes to play jump rope with

Master is always right

i will not call Master dumplin or sugar plum

i will not use the cross to hang clothes to dry

i will not tie Master’s shoe laces together while draped over His lap for a spanking

i will not use the nipple clamps to hang clothes on the line

i will not hang ‘i’m subbie, spank me’ signs on newbies backs

i will not practice my rope tieing skills with Master’s bondage ropes and put them up with the knots still in

i will not give Master ‘zerberts’ when He is lecturing me

i will not super glue Master’s nipple clamps together
and last but not least …

i will not tear pages out of Master’s ‘1001 Ways To Dom’ book and hide them

I was sent this list via email and I found it very amusing, it did not however have a authors name with it so if you are the author or know of the author then please contact me and I will give credit where it is due

Thank you

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Hallmark Moments

II admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

I bought this Valentine’s card at the store
In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.

This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.

You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so’s your ass.

You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.

I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!

If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

If you like that Hicky and you want another.
Check out the one that I gave to your Mother.

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1 Learn how he likes his penis to be handled

His penis is not like your clitoris – it’s not highly sensitive and delicate. So he’ll want you to go straight for his penis during sex, and once you’re there he’ll want you to apply a firm pressure (though you can make sex last longer by teasing him and working gradually down his body towards his penis). Learn how he masturbates, if necessary by watching him, and you’ll soon see the kind of stroke and pressure he appreciates most.

2 Play with his balls

Because men are so penis-centred, they and their partners tend to forget how sensitive and erotic his scrotum and testicles can be. Play with his balls as you give him fellatio, for example, and he’ll be in heaven. You could even try taking one at a time into your mouth and gently rolling it around.

3 Play with his perineum

If you haven’t discovered the erotic potential of his perineum yet – that’s the area between his scrotum and anus – then another treat’s in store. You can press, lick, stroke and tease this area, right up to his anus, and increase his sexual excitement enormously.

4 When he comes, stimulate his anus

A finger on his anus when he comes can make a man’s orgasm feel much more intense. If he’s near his orgasm, it can make him come there and then. And if you put a (well-lubed) finger inside him and press his prostate gland when he comes, he’s likely to have a massive orgasm!

5 Talk dirty as you make love

A lot of women are too inhibited to talk dirty during sex, but I’d say most men like it – a lot. If you tell him to “fuck my hot wet cunt” when you’re both enjoying sex, he’s most likely to come there and then!

6 Do something different

If you always employ the same old routine during sex, do something different. For example, try a different sex position. If you usually have sex with him on top, roll over so you’re doing it on your sides, facing each other. If you haven’t tried woman on top, get up there and ride him. If he likes rear entry (and which manlove on the table or the floor! These positions are especially fun to try when you’re feeling horny. doesn’t?) then let him enter you from behind while you lie in the spoons position on the bed – that’s more intimate than rear entry but probably just as exciting for him. Or take the initiative, and seduce him in the kitchen, making

7 Try watching porn together

Men like porn, and whether you appreciate it or not, it’s here to stay, and he’s most likely using it to get off. But the good news is that there is some nice erotic stuff around that isn’t abusive to women. One name to watch out for is Femme Productions. Sharing a sexy DVD before you go to bed can really add a spark of passion and excitement to your sex.

8 Wake him up in the night for sex

A woman can always seduce a man subtly if she puts her mind to it. So see what happens if you press your buttocks up against him in the night, or if you press your hot vulva against his cock as he slumbers. Move your hips around a little as you do this, and he’ll soon be raring to go. This might be best reserved for the nights you don’t have an early start next day.

9 Use lube if you need to – or even if you don’t

Even if you have a nicely moist vagina, a little extra lube is often a revelation. Just a squirt of Astroglide or Probe can change the feel of sex completely, making it seem like a new experience.

10 Try lube inside the condom

Just a little lube inside the condom can make sex much more pleasurable, but don’t use too much or it might just slip off when you least expect it!

11 Be assertive during sex

Take the lead during sex, act like a sex goddess, and do all the work for a change. Men like their partners to be assertive and sexually dominant from time to time, because having the responsibility for always initiating sex is tiring and involves at least some rejection. It’s a refreshing change when a woman acts as the dominant partner.

Yes, girls, men want you to sometimes take the lead and be sexually assertive. If you aren’t sure how to do this, start by climbing on top of him – the woman on top position can be very empowering for you, and he’s sure to love it. You can control the depth and speed of thrusting, especially if you tell him to lie still and enjoy it while you ride him!

12 Let him masturbate between your breasts

Ladies, you just don’t appreciate how much men like breasts. Even if you’re used to him making a bee-line for them when you make love, you still don’t know….just take it from me, it’s like being in heaven when you fold them around his penis and let him thrust between them.

13 Alternate shallow and deep thrusts during vaginal intercourse

Men often like deep thrusting because it feels more powerful and sexy – and it makes them come quicker. But a good plan is to switch between deep thrusts and shallow ones as you make love, because shallow thrusts delay his orgasm, stimulate his glans and frenulum (the most sensitive bits of his penis), and they also hit your G-spot.

14 Press back against him as he thrusts

You don’t have to be passive during sex. Even in the man on top position you can thrust back against him, buck your pelvis, and add all your sexual energy to his. If you’re having sex in the rear entry position, get him to stand still while you move back and forth along his penis.

15 Tell him you how much you want him to fuck you

Assuming your man is just like the rest of us, he’ll want to be told how much you admire, like and desire him. Whereas women want to be cherished by their partners, the corresponding desire in men is to be respected. Telling him how skillful and desirable he is as a lover will press all the right buttons.

16 Masturbate in front of him…

If you feel inhibited about masturbating in front of your partner – don’t. Seeing you bring yourself off is just about as exciting as it gets for him.

17 …then make love to him

If you masturbate in front of him, he’ll get so turned on, he’ll be desperate to fuck you, and he won’t last long when he does!

18 Teach him how you like him to masturbate you

Men aren’t the most subtle creatures in the world when it comes to masturbation, so you may need to coach him in the best ways for you to reach orgasm. Show him what you like, how you like to be touched, and how this changes as you get more aroused.

19 Have your orgasm before he enters you

This is especially good for men who come quite quickly. If he goes down on you (or masturbates you) until you have an orgasm, the pressure on him not to come quickly during sex is much reduced. What’s more, making love to you after you’ve had an orgasm means your vagina will still be hot, wet and swollen, and this will be a real turn-on for him, not to mention the fact that it will feel absolutely wonderful for him when he penetrates you.

20 Undress in front of him

Yes, we know you’re self-conscious about your body. But here’s the good news – he likes it. He knows it intimately, he makes love to it, and he sees it as a thing of beauty; he doesn’t look for the flaws in it, like you might be tempted to do. So he’ll love watching you undress, and if you add a little innocent seduction into the process, he’ll get turned on and show you how much he appreciates your body when you do make love.

21 Buy some sexy underwear and wear it like it was made for you

You don’t have to feel like a tart if you buy some sexy lingerie and act like a tease. High quality, pretty underwear is a turn on for both men and women.

22 Be wanton

It’s a common male fantasy to be bedded by a wanton woman who’ll act dirty and uninhibited. You can help him fulfill that fantasy by unleashing the sex goddess in yourself for a night. For example, try whispering to him when you’re having a night out that you aren’t wearing any underwear and that you’re oozing with desire for him. See the look on his face and you’ll know what I mean – but be prepared to have sex the moment you get through your door when you arrive home!

23 Ask him about his sexual fantasies – and perhaps act them out

But don’t laugh when he tells you what they are. He may not have shared his innermost fantasies with you for all kinds of reasons; they may even be some of his deepest secrets. Even if you don’t want to act them out, respect the fact that he shared them with you. If you do act them out, have fun, and don’t take it too seriously.

24 Don’t alienate him from the bedroom

Pretty frills and bright patterns and colors are all very well, but it’s his bedroom too, and he may appreciate being consulted about how much lace you want around the place. In short, don’t make your bedroom too feminine for his comfort.

25 Let his penis calm down after sex

Some men have such a sensitive glans after sex that they can’t bear to have it touched for quite a while. So be careful of his penis after you have made love.

26 Explore his body

Despite being so penis centered, men do like being licked, touched and stroked all over their bodies. For example, a man’s nipples are likely to be just as sensitive as yours – so encourage him to let you play with them. Some other places to stroke, tickle and lick him: his legs, buttocks and armpits; his neck and scalp; his toes; his back…..so that’s just about all over his body, really!

27 Know how to kiss

Yes, it’s nice to enjoy gentle kissing, but he’ll certainly appreciate a bit of full-on mouth work from you from time to time. It hints at penetration and breaks down barriers to intimacy and familiarity.

28 Discover his favorite sexual positions

All the sex positions have something in their favor, but like most men, he’ll have his favorite. It might be man on top for the deep penetration and feeling of dominance; it might be rear entry for the sheer pleasure of fucking you from behind; it might be woman on top for the pleasure of lying back and enjoying the ride. Most likely, it’s all of them! But there will be ways in which you can make it even better for him, perhaps by squeezing his penis while he’s inside you, or wrapping your legs around him when he’s on top. Take the time to find out what turns him on, and he’ll show his gratitude both in and out of the bedroom!

29 Don’t fake orgasm

You’re not a charity, and it’s disrespectful to both of you to pretend you’re sexually satisfied when you’re not. If you don’t make it to orgasm during intercourse, have your orgasm from him giving you oral sexwoman actually reach orgasm through intercourse, and most they like it for other reasons such as feeling loved or giving their partner pleasure. before you have intercourse. Remember, very few

30 Learn to give great head

Nothing you can do for a man shows you love him like oral sex. Women think men like it because it feels good – and that’s certainly true. But men also like it because it’s the ultimate symbol of acceptance by their partner – that she will take his most precious part and accept it into her mouth. Good oral sex is at least as good as vaginal intercourse for me, and many other men as well, I’m sure. And when you know how to do it well, you’ll have a lover keen to pleasure you in return.

31 Develop a tight vagina

Apart from the fact that a healthy set of PC muscles is good for you, it does make a difference to men during sex whether their partner has a tight vagina or not. Some men say that making love to a woman who’s had a child is much less satisfying – well, if the woman has toned up her muscles, with Kegel exercises, that need not be the case.


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