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Posts Tagged ‘joke’

Tax Amendments

The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts! HOWEVER, effective July 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

* 10 – 12″ Luxury Tax $300.00
* 8 – 10″ Pole Tax $250.00
* 5 – 8″ Privilege Tax $150.00
* 3 – 5 “Nuisance Tax $30.00
* Males exceeding 12″ must file capital gains.
* Anyone under 3″ is eligible for a tax refund.

Please do not ask for an extension!!!!

Thanks to http://www.kinkilink.com for this great look at taxation 1

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vag3A Father answers all questions, but is his answer one you want to hear ? The question is ,,, what is a vagina

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Personally I know nothing about sex because I have always been married.”
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

“The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.”
-Gloria Leonard

“There’s no shortage of pussy- it’s just the delivery system that’s messed up.”
-Dr. Roy V. Schenk

“It’s all this cold-hearted fucking that is death and idiocy.”
-D.H. Lawrence

“He who asks is a fool for 5 minutes, but he who does not remains a fool forever.”
-Chinese Proverb

“It is not true that sex degrades women… if it is any good.”
-Alan Partridge

“Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
-Emo Phillips

“The penis mightier than the sword.”
-Mark Twain

“Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.”
-Woody Allen

“Sex-appeal is the keynote of our whole civilization.”
-Henri Bergson

“No sex is better than bad sex.”
-Germaine Greer

“My husband’s German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me.”
-Bette Midler

“Give a man free hands, and you’ll know where to find them.”
-Mae West

“The art of life lies in taking pleasures as they pass, and the keenest pleasures are not intellectual, nor are they always moral.”
-Aristippus

“Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.”
-William Shakespeare

“It’s the good girls that keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.”
-Tallulah Bankhead

“Give me chastity and continence- but not yet.”
-Saint Augustine

“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”
-Groucho Marx

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation… The other eight are unimportant.”
-Henry Miller

“If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?”
-Bette Midler

“If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.”
-George Carlin

“Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it’s the triumphant twang of a bedspring.”
-S. J. Perelman

“It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up.”
-Joan Rivers

“From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.”
-Bette Davis

“Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.”
-Sophia Loren

“Cunnilingus is next to godliness.”
-Kali Nichta

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.”
-Nytwind

“I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.”
-Woody Allen

“The brain is viewed as an appendage of the genital glands.”
-Carl Jung

“My brain is my second favorite organ.” -Woody Allen

“Apparently one can temporarily sterilize oneself by heating one’s organs in boiling water.”
-Annonymous British Teenager

“Some things are better than sex, some things are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.”
-W. C. Fields

“No one has ever died from an overdose of pornography.”
-J. Money and P. Tucker

“It’ll be a sad day for sexual liberation when the pornography addict has to settle for the real thing.”
-Brendan Francis

“A man must be potent and orgasmic to ensure the future of the race. A woman only needs to be available.”
-Masters and Johnson

“Healthy, lusty sex is wonderful.”
-John Wayne

“I have brains and a uterus, and I use both.”
-Pat Schroeder

“Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.”
-Charles Bukowski

“Censorship reflects society’s lack of confidence in itself.”
-Potter Stewart

“It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.”
-Brigitte Bardot

“An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.”
-Alex comfort

“Sex is emotion in motion.”
-Mae West

“I consider sex a misdemeanor, the more I miss, de meaner I get.”
-Mae West

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a …your idea of getting a jump in the morning is to hook up the other end of your nipple clamp to the car battery.

…you nearly cause an accident pulling into the lot where the sign advertises FREE TODAY HOT WAX before you realize it’s a car wash.

…you cannot get through the opening lines of “Green Eggs and Ham” (I Am Sam, Sam I Am) without giggling hysterically.

…your attitude is “electricity, not just a utility, but a way of life”.

…you’ve served more people than McDonald’s.

…more people have seen your body on-line than have visited cnn

…you spend more time on your knees than a Catholic priest.

…you consider filing a lawsuit for false advertising when the pizza place has a sign for
HOT GREEK-STYLE SUBS but they wouldn’t bend over to please you.

…you chose your last car based on the location of the garment hooks.

…the hospital lists you as a triage center, since you’re better equipped than the ER.

…you sit on Santa’s lap to tell him the toys you want for XMas, and get a free trip on
the North Pole.

…you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for

…someone refers to a serial killer as sadistic and you roll your eyes, because the man has nothing on you.

…you realized you’ve charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year

…you have more toys than your kids

…you take up macrame, just to learn some new knots

…your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns…and you don’t eat sweets

…someone says they have a leatherman, you almost say “me too!” before you realize they are talking about the tool gadget on their belt.

…you watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the screen, “Gimme a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!”

…you go to the local county fair and salivate when the horsejumps are set up.

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…someone tries to talk you out of your blind date by saying he’s sick  and
you perk, god i hope so!

…you think VA stands for Vanilla Anonymous.

…turning the switch on has precious little to do with making the lights come on when
you enter the room.

…the first thing you check when looking for a new car is whether the trunk can hold a
bound submissive or two.

…you fake injuries just so you can replenish the medical play kit from the ER.

…when you’re told your brother-in-law is pussy-whipped, it takes you a moment to
realize that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s transgendered.

…you can accurately convert horsepower to ponygirls harnessed.

…someone calls your wife a slut and you thank them.

…your favorite letter of the alphabet is O.

…nose to the grindstone is an orgasmic abrasion fantasy.

…you refer to your fully equipped van as “Squeals on Wheels”.

…your travel agent recommends a 4 star bed and breakfast as part of your vacation
plans; you yawn and ask where the nearest Dungeon and Gruel is to your destination.

…investing in stocks and bonds means refurbishing the play area.

…you have a habit of calling conversion vans perversion vans.

…you overhear your neighbor training his dog to sit, beg, play dead, roll over; and find
yourself obeying quicker than the dog does.

…you need to rent a U-Haul to get your toys to the play party.

…your toilet seat is leather.

…your children are named Dom, SAM, Sissy, and Autoerotic Asphyxiation

…you buy clothespins in the supersize family economy bags, and you don’t have a
family or a clothesline.

…there’s enough rope in your bedroom to scale Mt. Everest.

…you find yourself wandering through the wax museum’s medieval torture chamber
making comments like “gimme a break, my Dom’s grandmother could get out of that!”

…getting tattooed and pierced is merely foreplay.

…you bought a souvenir replica of the Washington Memorial because you were too
cheap to go to the adult store and get a real butt plug.

…you think Hannibal Lecter is a snazzy dresser.

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